Once Upon A Time in Gallia
by Ridell
Summary: FE9/10 It's a rite of passage, really, the infamous birds and the bees conversation...Ranulf just didn't think it would be this complicated.


**Once Upon A Time in Gallia**

**Author's Note: **Yaaay, more Fire Emblem! I have finally, FINALLY gotten myself that Wii and Fire Emblem 10, and now after a few playthroughs, I have another healthy dose of insanity and this rather random and perverted ficlet born of late hours of gaming and my own twisted humor. Yeppers. Well, I owe partial credit to FE9, when I was writing "Boyd's Beefcake". This particular one-shot was an unrelated plot bunny that I caught, killed, roasted on an open flame, and now served on a platter to you, my dear readers. Enjoy!

_Disclaimer_: Dis (negative), claim (to own). Dis-claim, do not own. -er. Yeah.

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Once upon a time in Gallia, a laguz kitten decided to ask the "ultimate question" of questions.

"Daddy," inquired the inquisitive young feline, lolling about on a plush red rug, "how are feline laguz children made?"

The father, astonished that such a young kitten would ask such a strange question, blinked twice and gaped at his son, jaw slack. "What exactly do you mean, kiddo?"

"Well, today in sex-ed class Leo asked Mordecai if feline laguz were made while untransformed, or in cat form," the kitten explained rather mischiveously, scratching his blue-furred ears as he recalled the day's events. "He just told us that we all lived in harmony with the trees and squirrels. And then the stork dropped kittens on the doorsteps of the future parents of Gallia."

The father grinned sardonically. Ah, Leo. He was the cat-son of Kyza and Lyre whom he'd had to kitten-sit with Ren, his own son, quite often. The little thing was violently hyperactive--once, he had nearly set the house on fire because he was expirimenting with feline resistance to fire tomes. He wasn't hurt, but the kitchen was in smolders, much to Lethe's dismay. 'Like father, like son,' his furry blue tail!

While lost in thought, Ren swatted at his father's fluffy ankles impatiently. "Daaaaad! So what's the answer? An ugly stork didn't really drop me on your's and Mom's doorstep, did it?"

"Maybe," replied the father. "Hasn't your mother already given you 'the talk', yet?"

"Well, yeah," said the kitten. "But she didn't answer the untransformed or transformed part. She just whacked me across the face with the fish she was getting ready to cook."

The father scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose I'll tell you, but understand this, son--this only happens when two cats really, really love each other, to the point where they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Understand?"

Ren nodded.

"Good. And when the two cats get married, they have to consummate it. Consummate meaning," he added, noticing Ren's confused expression, "that they take it to the bedroom and uh...do the deed."

"Right," said the son. "And..?"

"It can be done either as a cat or untransformed."

Ren nodding his little blue furred head vigourously, grasping the concept. "Which is better, though?"

"That's for you to decide when you find a cute cat to settle down with," explained the father, just as Lethe walked through the door. "My cute cat was your mother. And right now, I think I might regret that."

Lethe narrowed her purple eyes to slits, throwing her military duffel in a corner. "Ren, what has he done now?"

"Oh, nothing," said Ren innocently. "Dad was just explaining exactly how kittens are made."

"'Exactly'?!" she hissed, rounding on her husband. She crooked her finger. "Ranulf, if I may see you in the hall, please? And you-" she pointed to Ren threateningly. "Are going to do your homework. No eavesdropping, or else."

Sighing, the blue cat got up from his comfy armchair and followed his wife timidly into the hall, leaving Ren behind with his textbooks.

She shut the door, peeked through the keyhole to make sure her son was doing his schoolwork, and, satisfied, rounded on her husband. "Ranulf, he's seven!"

"Now, now, Lethe," said Ranulf, thinking hard as to how he could possibly extricate himself from this predicament. "Seven isn't a bad time to begin learning sex education. That's when my parents started telling me."

"And look how you've turned out!" she growled, batting his ears. "Perverted to no end...and now that's rubbed off on Ren!"

She raised her paw to take another swat at his ears, but Ranulf caught it with a smirk. "Don't tell me you don't enjoy our bedroom romps," he said, pretending to be hurt. "My pervertiness is what makes it fun!"

Lethe blushed. "I wanted Ren to be a wholesome kitten," she stammered.

Ranulf laughed good-naturedly at his wife's discomfort.

"What did you tell him?" she said abruptly. "You didn't tell him all the little details, did you?"

"No," he responded. "I just answered his question of transformed or untransformed."

Lethe's shoulders relaxed. "Oh, that's good. I thought you went further. And what was your answer?"

"Whichever you preferred," he answered.

"And which do you prefer?" asked Lethe mischeviously.

"Hmm." He pondered for a moment. "Why don't we go figure it out?"

Lethe purred contentedly as Ranulf swept her off her feet and carried her to the bedroom.

THE END

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**Author's Note:** Hmmm yeah. Shorter than I thought it would be...OH WELL! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY 2008!

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